My reflection blog this week is to reflect on making contact with strangers. Identify if I am comfortable of striking up a conversation with a person I do not know and am I able to work a room with ease. I can honestly identify that my ability to strike up a conversation with a person I do not know or have the ability to work a room with ease solely depends on the environment and who is in it.  Lastly, I will identify any lessons learned from the course material that would improve my ability to connect with others.

First I had to think about my interactions with strangers, or people I do not know. I would conclude that I am able to do this with ease, as I always immediately introduce myself. Depending on the setting, I may introduce myself as the program planner on the C5 program, the Executive Vice President (EVP) of the leadership organization, the Vice President of Professional Development of the Veterans Employee Resource Group, the instructor, or the mentor, labels are never ending. Regardless of the labels, I am able to introduce myself as it breaks the ice of awkwardness and immediately lets me know who is in the room. It also allows others to know who I am and what my role would be in the situation.

There are times I am not comfortable with striking up a conversation. I travel quite often for my job and I do not find it comfortable talking to a stranger who is sitting next to me on the airplane, the grocery store cashier who wants to tell me about their day, or family gatherings. I find family gatherings the most awkward. To expand on that concept, I only go home to visit family about once a year, if that. Because of the distance and lack of interaction I find the conversations hard to start, as I don’t know where to begin. After about a day or two things start to lighten up and we can all converse together.

Fear of Strangers

            According the course material, in the nineteenth-century the rule was “strangers must be introduced by a third party before initiating a conversation.” (McKay, Davis, & Fanning, 2009, p. 205) The great part about being a child in the nineteenth-century, my adult career only endured about a decade of that phenomenon. As a child my fear for strangers was based on my childhood upbringing and internal insecurity. I would never step out an introduce myself to anyone. I have blogged about my childhood upbringing in the past, but that insecurity hampered my ability to have confident conversations, inside or outside my circle of friends, or strangers. My fear of strangers was driven by the “habitual negative” environment that I endured in the home life. Because I was told as a young person that I would never amount to anything, I didn’t think anyone really cared about what I had to say, causing me to be a bit reserved and I stayed to myself. I didn’t speak unless people spoke to me first. This negative upbringing as a child did carry over into my adult career, in the beginning. When I was in the military this fear was coddled as I had several team mates who loved attention and all I had to do was tag behind them with a smile.

            It was in my mid twenties, I started to notice that people actually started to respect my comments and ideas. I started to gain feedback from commanders who praised my work and efforts. I remember one incident where I had to challenge a colonel on his decision. The colonel was responsible for the pilots, and I was responsible for the plan and the mission. I was a newly promoted Staff Sergeant who was running the Maintenance Operations Center (MOC). In this role, I was responsible for briefing and debriefing pilots prior to their flights. I was also responsible for all the safety checklists while the pilot is inflight or in the aircraft.  . One day a pilot called in an inflight emergency as he was taxi the airplane onto the runway.  The emergency was hot brakes, where the brakes on the plane get to hot and they can cause the tire to explode.

This type of emergency requires the pilot to remain in the aircraft for two or more hours until the brakes cool. The colonel wanted the pilot out of the plane. The only way this could happen is a maintainer had to take a stand to the plane and let the pilot out. I refused to follow the order as it was a more dangerous to anyone outside the plane. The pilot would be safer inside the plane. The colonel was so mad at me, but I pulled out the regulation and he had to adhere to my action. That day I realized I was important and I did not need to be afraid of what people thought about me.

Making eye contact 

Today I am not afraid of strangers, but there are times where I don’t make eye contact for various reasons. One of the major reasons I stray away from eye contact is due to the person or the amount of time I have to interact, if we did make eye contact. I have this co-worker who sits directly across me in the cubical farm. She loves to talk and usually it takes a good thirty minutes to get out of the conversation after she begins. So if I am busy, I refrain from looking up and making contact with her. I do try to provide “respect as is something I would want to receive back” and take the time to listen to her occasionally. (McKay, Davis, & Fanning, 2009, p. 209)

I would agree that I have done a better job at identifying the shy people in the room who do not necessarily like to do have eye contact. There are a few things that I can improve on to make the eye contact easier with other people. A bad habit I have is crossing my arms and legs, which gives “a defensive, protective position.” (McKay, Davis, & Fanning, 2009, p. 206). I think it is interesting that I cross my arms because most often I am cold, and crossing my legs was because that is what ladies do. I would think your tone of voice behind this type of actions would make this an defensive environment. One of my most positive elements I have is a smile. I am most often complimented as someone is always smiling.  Unfortunately, I could have a very awful situation and I would have a smile, which could be misleading. I think my smiles and kind hearted approach toward people is what allows me to move through meetings and conversations more easily. Eye contact helps me stay focused on conversations. If I don’t keep eye contact I will be thinking about something else, how I am going to respond to the other person, or even another event later that day. One bad habit I have when I am talking with people is I tend to read their lips while they are talking. Reading “lips is weird and often makes the person feel uncomfortable.” (Shah, 2016) To stop this obvious behavior, is I stop moving my lips when I am reading their lips to not make the other person feels to uncomfortable.

Lessons Learned

            A few lessons learned from the course material is learning to react to when being rejected. I know I internal insecurities about being a perfectionist, but understanding that I will have an idea being rejected. My reaction to that rejection will define who I am, so don’t overreact with my body language. The second lesson learned is how to reframe rejections. When you interact with a stranger, they may not reciprocate your intent. One would want to start self analyze what they did wrong. The lesson learned is learn to not over analyze rejection.

Conclusion

I personally do not know many strangers, as I am a very bubbly interactive person who enjoys being with other people. I am able to work a room with ease as long as I am familiar with the territory, but if I am not comfortable I can revert to an introvert. There are lessons to be learned about my personal behavior such as making eye contact, crossing arms, reading lips, eye behavior such as eye-rolling, and listening verses talking. Lastly, I have to be very careful depending on the role that I am in. I can interact more easily in the leadership program as the president, than in a customer meeting where I am being drilled on project status.

References

McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (2009). Messages The Communication Skills Book (Vol.

Third Edition). Oakland, California: New Harbinger Publication, Inc.

Shah, K. (2016). Where should I look while talking to a person face to face: eyes or lips?

Retrieved from Quora: https://www.quora.com/Where-should-I-look-while-talking-to-a-

person-face-to-face-eyes-or-lips